A new internet theory about American politics and society just dropped. From anti-vaxxers to AI slop, everything can be explained by one simple idea: Everyone is twelve now.
In September, Bluesky user and musician Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant.lawyer) posted, “working on a new unified theory of american reality i’m calling ‘everyone is twelve now.’”
He continued: “‘I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm’ of course you do. You’re twelve.
‘I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal’ hell yeah homie you’re twelve.
‘Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army’ bless your heart my twelve year old buddy.”
It’s funny, but it also feels depressingly accurate. It’s already being called “the most important political thread of our time.” Or as another user wrote: “making a pilgrimage to a post that will one day be studied in history books”.
It took a few weeks for the theory to spread to X, Twitter, Reddit, TikTok, and other platforms, but once it did, it became the go-to comeback under conservative posts and government propaganda alike.
“You wanna do a ride-along in the backseat of a big plane and cosplay being a pilot? Of course you do, you’re twelve,” user @jjellisart said in response to a video of Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, in a fighter jet.
“You wanna dress up like a knight and play swords? Of course you do, you’re twelve,” he also posted to a Homeland Security propaganda post of medieval knights.
The meme even made its way into the political press corps after White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied to a HuffPost reporter’s question about the location of Donald Trump’s upcoming meeting with Vladimir Putin with: “Your mom did.” One user quote-tweeted the exchange with: “The ‘Everyone is Twelve Now’ theory is rapidly gaining credibility, I fear.”
So what’s behind the apparent sudden collective regression?
According to the National Literacy Institute, 54% of U.S. adults read below a sixth-grade level. That limited literacy makes it harder to understand complex and nuanced issues and easier to fall for oversimplified narratives peddled on social media.
As one Reddit user suggested: “an ideology specially crafted to appeal to nostalgia kinda has to be childish. the world was never perfect, so to pretend it was you have to appeal to childlike innocence.” Case in point: a glass bottle of Coca Cola balanced on the hood of a red Bronco as marketing material for the Department of Homeland Security.
It might also explain why government agencies like the DHS have leaned into childhood classic Pokémon references and viral TikTok trends as part of their social media strategy. In the context of the “everyone is twelve” theory, it suddenly makes a lot of sense
And once you’ve seen it, you’ll start spotting examples everywhere you look. Unless, of course, you’re twelve.
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