Depending who you ask, ‘tis the season to be jolly—or nosy. Holiday gatherings are like catnip for friends and family members who only see each other once a year and certainly aren’t going to squander the chance to satisfy their most burning questions.
“We’re all naturally curious about what’s going on with people and what’s happening in their lives, and that can lead to us asking questions we think are small talk—but that actually hit on really painful struggles people are going through,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. “Our holiday gatherings are supposed to be about warmth and connection and fun and love, and certain questions can be pitfalls that cause harm, pain, and ultimately, shame and disconnection.”
We asked therapists which questions they’re begging people to skip this holiday season—and why.
“Have you finally met someone?”
It’s generally OK to ask your niece if she’s dating anyone in a kind, impartial tone. It’s less OK to say it like this: “You’re dating someone already?” Or: “You finally met someone?”
“The important piece here is that it’s not the question, per se—it’s the affect that accompanies the question,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts the popular couples’ therapy podcast Where Should We Begin? “The tone is basically translating the meaning of the question, and it’s no longer a question—it’s a veiled criticism or a not-so-veiled put-down.”
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Avoid any questions that single someone out in a way that might make them feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, she advises. You’re better off focusing on topics of conversation that everyone can reflect on, rather than prying questions driven by your own curiosity.
“Did you vote for so-and-so?”
This is another statement—or accusation—masquerading as a question. “They probably already know who you voted for,” Perel says. “It’s basically saying, ‘I don’t agree with it,’ or, ‘I have some thoughts about this.’”
The best approach is to ditch opinions about politics at the front door. These sorts of questions can easily come across as a way to bait family members, rather than engage in meaningful conversation. “Is this really the time you want to let Grandpa Joe know he’s a bigot?” Love asks. “Or do you want to just leave it for another time, because everybody’s enjoying Christmas dinner?”
“When are you two going to have a baby/get married/settle down?”
It’s become increasingly common for people to delay marriage or choose to raise cats instead of kids. That can be at odds with how older generations, in particular, view the expected chain of milestones in someone’s life. If you cannot wrap your head around the fact that your granddaughter is happy without a ring 10 years into dating? Keep it to yourself.
“It’s a different lifestyle that gets away from our traditional mindset about the direction relationships are supposed to go,” Love says. “Unless somebody volunteers that information, it’s just really none of your business.”
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Keep in mind, too, that your friends or family members may be dealing with painful fertility journeys. Asking them about their timeline for having a baby—which they might want more than anything—could easily hit like a gut-punch. “If you’re trying to create a spirit of togetherness and warmth and happiness with your holiday gathering,” she says, “this is not going to facilitate that.” Instead, focus on asking your family members what’s making them happy, which might naturally shed light on these personal topics.
“Did you lose/gain weight?”
Thanks for noticing, Grandma Agnes—and ensuring that everyone else does, too. There are many reasons why someone’s weight might have changed, and they’re not all positive. “That’s someone’s body and personal space, and you’re crossing a line,” says Nicolle Osequeda, a therapist in Chicago. “We don’t want to comment on anyone’s physical appearance, but you could comment on their spirit, or the energy they’re bringing forth—like, ‘Oh, I see a sparkle in your eye.’”
“You seem tired. Everything OK?”
This is another unwelcome form of commenting on someone’s appearance—and an easy way to make them feel self-conscious. What if they had an amazing night of sleep the night before and think they look fantastic? “You saying they look tired will make them feel pretty yucky,” Osequeda says. “Or they might have been staying up late searching for jobs, or crying about the reason their ex-fiance isn’t here anymore.” You gain nothing from calling out their supposed exhaustion.
If you’re genuinely worried about someone, talk to them one-on-one, rather than yelling across the dinner table to them, she adds. It can be best to ease in with general questions and ask them what’s been keeping them busy lately, for example—which creates space for them to share without forcing them to do so.
“Have you seen Dad lately?”
It’s best not to veer into sensitive family drama during supposedly festive holiday gatherings—which includes asking family members if they’ve seen or talked to someone you know they have a difficult relationship with. These sorts of questions can reopen old wounds and quickly become confrontational and uncomfortable. “They make you the third person in a triangle,” Perel says. “By definition, you’re going to find yourself in loyalty with one [person] and disloyalty with the other.”
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Such delicate subjects are often best dealt with in private. Perel prefers to instead lean into questions that unite. Some of her favorites: “What are you grateful for this year?” “What’s a threshold you crossed over the past year?” And: “What does it mean for you to gather with your family or group of friends every year? If we didn’t meet like this anymore, what would you miss that’s been really special for you when we get together?”
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
More people are ditching alcohol for all kinds of reasons, so try to refrain from asking your second cousin why she’s sipping on soda instead of spirits. “I think it speaks to our own internal insecurities about our drinking habits—and the need to make people around us normalize it by engaging in the same behavior,” Love says. “The most important thing for people to think about when they’re asking this question is, ‘What’s going on with you? Why is this information about this person so important to you?’”
“You look different! Did you have work done?”
Medical procedures are a private matter. Plus, consider that plastic surgery isn’t always elective—sometimes it’s the result of a health issue.
“[Plastic surgery] doesn’t automatically equate to vanity,” Love says. “We might be trying to make conversation, but because we don’t have all the information, it can come across as judgmental and condescending, and it’s just not helpful.” Stick to the golden rule of never commenting on someone’s appearance, she adds, instead focusing on strengths and other personality traits you admire.
“How much did that cost?”
You might desperately want to know how much that fancy new phone cost—and how your nephew can afford it—but save the money talk for your post-dinner game of Monopoly. “Anything about money can come off the wrong way,” Osequeda says. “These are the kind of questions that feel judgy and invasive, and it puts somebody on the spot, where they then feel like they need to talk about their finances or justify spending a certain amount,” she advises. You’re better off asking about their favorite moments or accomplishments from the year, rather than prying into financials. “If someone wants to share, they will,” she says. “Otherwise, it’s better not to bring it up.”
“So what are you doing now?”
Job-related questions can feel loaded, especially given how many people are being laid off or are struggling to find new opportunities. It’s a sensitive topic, Osequeda says, so you’re better off sticking to open-ended queries: “What’s been exciting for you lately?” Or: “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” If someone wants to bring up their job, they will, she says.
It’s also a good idea to avoid questions that can come across as dismissive about someone’s work and identity. For example: “Still doing that little business of yours?” Or: “Are you really happy doing that?” As Osequeda puts it: “Who are they to judge whether it’s big or little, or what importance or value it has for you?”
Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists
If you’re wondering whether any question is too intrusive, Osequeda likes to use this guiding principle. “We’re going into these conversations to connect, and the way we connect with people is being warm, appropriately curious, reading their body language, and not interrogating people or making them feel small,” she says.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
