When a couple gets divorced, everyone in their orbit is affected—not just the two people whose “I do” turned into “I don’t.” And boy, does that crowd have something to say about it. Some people are so shocked that they can’t restrain their nosiness. Others fear divorce is contagious and will happen to them next. And many others, well-intentioned though they may be, are full of unsolicited advice.
We asked experts—and a divorcee from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives—to share the worst things to say to someone who’s getting divorced, plus which words actually help.
“What happened?”
When you’re talking to someone who just shared news about their divorce, consider whether what you’re saying is for your sake or for the good of the affected party. This common question, for example, is “more about your curiosity, and not so much about your compassion,” says Andrea Hipps, a divorce coach and author of The Best Worst Time of Your Life. It’s especially tricky because “there’s hardly ever a singular reason for what happened,” she says. “Everything and nothing happened.”
Yet people often gravitate toward this query because of a desire to protect their own marriage. It’s almost like saying: “If it can happen to you, it could happen to me,” Hipps points out, “so tell me all the things that happened so I can avoid them.”
Hipps prefers supporting your friend by saying: “Thank you for bringing me in on this hard news. I’ll be careful with it.” Another approach: “This is so much—your mind must be spinning.” Your friend will understand that if they want to open up, you’re there, but they can do so at their own pace.
“But you guys were so happy!”
People rarely broadcast their marital problems—your friends aren’t going to issue a public service announcement that Brian flirted with the babysitter and Joan can’t stand to be around him. Protesting that a newly split couple looked like the very definition of marital bliss is “so cringy,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, Calif. Still, she acknowledges it comes from a good place: “We’re desperate to help people feel better, so we often say things without being thoughtful about it,” she says. “But pointing out how happy they seemed isn’t helpful. It’s more of a voyeuristic thing: ‘I’m so shocked. Help me with my feelings,’ instead of the other way around, where we need to be supportive of them.”
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Instead, offer a heartfelt compliment. Kimberly Miller, a family law attorney and licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests saying: “You did what was right for you—and that’s never easy. I admire your strength.”
“At least you’ll get time off from the kids!”
Layla Taylor, who stars on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, got divorced in 2023. She shares two kids with her ex. The post-divorce comment that bothered her the most—and that she still gets to this day—is from people finding the so-called silver lining of sharing custody: “At least you co-parent and get to have time off from the kids!”
“My biggest nightmare is not having my kids 365 days a year and every single holiday,” she says. “That’s the opposite of what I want.”
A supportive friend, on the other hand, shared a few simple words that stick with Taylor to this day: “Just because your life is starting over, doesn’t mean your life is over.” “That helped me a lot, because you can look at it very negatively, but you can also look at it as a fresh start where you’re able to meet somebody that may be aligned with you better, or you’re able to just spend time with yourself and get to know yourself on a more personal level,” she says. “It’s a beautiful thing to be able to start over again.”
“I am so sorry.”
This common sentiment doesn’t always land well. Saying you’re sorry “communicates pity,” Hipps says. “It assumes it’s tragic—when they might be like, ‘You know what, this is the healthiest thing I could do to create safety or a better future for me and my family.’”
Instead, Hipps likes saying: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but knowing you, you’re going to pull through it with so much grace.”
Love opts for this line: “You’re an amazing person with a lot of love left to give.”
“I like it because it’s strength-based,” she says. “You’re sharing things that you see and love about them, and that’s what they need to hear. They need to hear what they bring to the table—that can make them feel really good in the mindset of rejection and pain.”
“You just need to get out there and start dating again, and then you’ll feel better!”
Taylor received all kinds of feedback about her dating choices post-split. Some people told her to take time to heal first; others pushed her to get back out there. In retrospect, she says she believes she may have jumped into the dating pool before she was fully ready, but that it helped her figure out more about what she was looking for.
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Instead of setting your friend up, focus on ways you can show up and support them, especially if you suspect they’re lonely. Taylor defaults to isolation during tough times and appreciated when people asked her to go for a drive, grab coffee or a drink, or order-take out and watch TV. “Having people around you makes you feel like you’re less alone,” she says.
“You need my attorney.”
Every divorce is “unique and messy in its very own way,” Hipps says. The attorney who worked wonders for you might not be the best fit for your friend, depending on their specific needs. Plus, “It assumes an adversarial process, when they might be electing to do alternative dispute resolution options.”
Hipps says it’s better to broach the subject like this: “Are you feeling well-resourced? Do you have good consultants walking with you right now? I’d be happy to share some, but only if it feels like the right time for you.” That way, you won’t make them second-guess themselves if they’re already assembled a plan and a team.
“But what about the kids?”
There’s almost no chance your divorcing friends didn’t labor over their decision—worrying about their kids’ well-being above all else. Suggesting otherwise is “rubbing salt in the wound,” Love says. “It comes across as judgmental and condescending, and that’s not what anybody needs.”
Your friend might prefer to hear you say that you understand why they’re hurting or can sense how betrayed they are. That way, she says, you’re validating their pain while demonstrating that you’re there to listen and support them.
“It’s better than staying in a bad marriage.”
This statement is problematic for a number of reasons. Your friend might have felt like they were in a great marriage, Miller points out, and are deeply grieving the loss of that reality. “Everything around divorce is more complicated and more nuanced than you realize from the outside,” she says, so it’s a good idea to avoid being over-simplistic. “Any time you’re turning it into a dichotomy—it’s either you stay or you leave, and it’s good to leave and it’s bad to stay—it’s never that clear.”
A better approach, she adds, is to make it clear you’re not going anywhere: “However you’re feeling right now is OK. I’m here to support you, no expectations.” Or put a slight spin on it: “This must be incredibly hard—I hope you’re giving yourself permission to feel whatever comes up.”
“I never liked them anyway.”
Your intentions are surely good: You want your friend to know you’re on their side. But this kind of comment “implies they had bad judgment,” Hipps says. “It could make them feel more alone or clueless.” People getting divorced tend to reexamine the past, wondering which parts were real and what they imagined, and this is an easy way to add to the chaos swirling around their mind.
Instead, support them by saying: “I know you did everything to make your marriage work, even when it was difficult.” Make it a point to offer to lighten their load in specific ways, too, Hipps advises: Tell your friend you have two hours that weekend just for them, and can help them hang pictures in their new house or take a look at the broken washing machine. That way, they don’t have to ask.
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Keep in mind, too, that your friend will still be adjusting to their new life long after the initial shock has dissipated. Many of her clients tell her they feel like they don’t have anyone to talk to, because they imagine the people around them are tired of hearing about it. Telling someone you care about that you have an hour and would love to just listen to them talk about anything and everything can make a world of difference, Hipps says.
