On a Friday night a few months ago, I was on a FaceTime call with some friends, other seniors in high school. We were hanging out in our rooms, scrolling through Snapchat, when a friend of mine mentioned a girl he knew from one of our sister schools. He wanted to text her, but his thumb froze. “Send it, bro,” one friend said, “but screw it up and it’ll be screenshotted.” He didn’t send the text.
At the Chicago high school I graduated from in June, phones were out during private and public moments. It could be in class when someone fumbled a presentation, or the cafeteria when someone tripped. Most clips stayed in private Snapchat group chats, shared among a few dozen kids. But they could spread further, and cut deeper. Last year, a friend from another school was filmed in his attempt to ask a girl out in the hallway. Even though it was awkward, he didn’t do anything crazy in the video and it was mostly just a rejection. But someone recorded him and posted it on a Snapchat story. The video had the caption, “Bro thought he had a chance,” and over 200 people saw it by the time he got to lunch.
For many young men my age, these moments aren’t just embarrassing, they change how we date. The possibility of being recorded and mocked has made what would be normal interactions feel risky.
Trends such as “fail compilations” or “cringe challenges” — posts showing awkward mistakes or uncomfortable situations meant to make others laugh — encourage people to document embarrassing moments. Popular Instagram accounts post people’s dating profiles, text conversations, and awkward pickup lines. Sometimes they’re anonymous, but not always. Before long, strangers are watching, liking, and commenting on a moment that was meant to be private.
After seeing these moments play out, I realized this was no longer a far-off fear. It changed how young men conducted themselves in real life. The threat of public shaming makes normal interactions risky and at times can lessen the chance young men will pursue relationships or go on dates. Constant fear of embarrassment can leave some young men too hesitant to take the social risks needed for dating. The fear of online exposure doesn’t just stop certain young men from asking girls out — it can plant seeds of resentment that threaten to fracture gender relations for a long time.
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Some young men end up developing a defensive posture, so that they can’t be ashamed. It ends up fueling mistrust in many young men and can turn interactions into battlegrounds where boys feel they must protect their egos. Over time, empathy can go away and suspicion takes its place. Instead of feeling comfortable being genuine, sometimes they second-guess every word or message, wondering how it might be judged, shared, or mocked. But then it takes a turn and that’s why young men may retreat into online spaces that confirm the suspicions they have and help to reinforce negative stereotypes about girls. This causes a Cold War among genders where each side is suspicious of each other and doesn’t have empathy. In these divided spaces, interactions become games of defensive accusation and people grow untrustworthy of one another.
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The fear of being filmed is well and thriving in part because the people who share these videos face no real consequences. This creates an unchecked culture of humiliation, and makes the social media world for Gen Z a place where accountability is absent and cruelty is rewarded. Each viral clip brings more attention to not just the one in front of the camera, but behind the camera as well. While the person being filmed is embarrassed, the one filming walks away with a reputation and clout. Since those who post videos don’t face accountability and many times get a boost in engagement, it emboldens them to film and share embarrassing moments. This creates a vicious cycle where shame is a currency, and the only person who actually pays a price is the one who is mocked.
We need to establish consequences for digital cruelty. Schools and communities need to treat this seriously and implement clear policies that treat online shaming the same way as they do bullying. Even if online shaming continues, this accountability will make sure that the victimizer will face social consequences as well. If schools and communities did so, it would show victims and perpetrators that integrity and respect is important online and offline. Cruelty behind a screen is no less harmful than cruelty in person and we need to send that message loud and clear.
