Like clockwork, every few years viral relationship “tests” or “theories” will resurface online, prompting renewed discourse about the state of romantic unions. The latest test doing the rounds: the “bird theory.”
The idea first went viral two years ago but has recently resurfaced on platforms like TikTok and Instagram. The concept is simple: Point out something mundane to your partner, like spotting a bird, then watch how they react.
If your partner matches your enthusiasm or reacts with curiosity, then congratulations—they’re a keeper. The thinking goes that if they respond with interest to your attempts at connection, they’re emotionally invested in the relationship. If they ignore you, react with indifference—or worse, get frustrated—well, your relationship might be in trouble.
The theory resurfaced after a video by @keketherealmrsjones went viral this month. “The day I realize Husband doesn’t want me” the caption read, as the clip shows her trying, and failing, to engage her husband’s attention.
The video currently has over 56 million views. “Before anyone gets married please test the bird theory,” one commenter wrote. “I keep telling people about the bird theory and they just won’t listen,” another added. Many have also jumped on the trend to test their unwitting partners, mostly to positive results.
Turns out, the “bird theory” is not just TikTok pseudoscience: It’s grounded in real research by psychologist John Gottman.
Gottman refers to bids (not birds) as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” His research suggests that the way in which partners respond to these bids—by “turning towards” and engaging with the bid or “turning away” and ignoring it—is a strong predictor of a relationship’s long-term success.
A bid for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection, could be as simple as smiling, reaching for a hand, requesting help, or, yes, pointing out a bird.
Gottman published a paper in the Journal of Marriage and the Family in 1998 sharing the results of a study based on 130 newlyweds. Six years later, the couples that were going from strength to strength were the ones who, 86% of the time, turned toward each other’s bids for connection.
The couples who didn’t? Only 33% were still together.
According to Gottman’s findings, couples who ignore each other’s bids about 50–80% of the time are far more likely to divorce.
While microtesting your relationship isn’t always advised, use at your own risk.
