With Thanksgiving just around the corner, in this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we weigh in on skipping the family drama and traveling instead is the right move.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Dear Eugene, I hate Thanksgiving! My family is all MAGA, and I want nothing to do with them, so I’m planning on traveling instead. I know my parents will freak out and guilt me, and I’ll give into it, so my plan is to leave and ghost them, and probably send a text the day of. Does this make me an a**hole?
I can sense hundreds of readers nodding in collective recognition of this sentiment. Many of us are currently experiencing rifts with loved ones over politics, making the family dinner table a hostile territory. One unsubtle comment and Thanksgiving devolves into arguing and awkwardness.
Understandably, it sounds as if you’re exhausted by it all. Jetting off to some faraway place, bathed in sunshine and tranquility, would be idyllic. In fact, it’s hard to imagine a more fitting way to spend a holiday themed around gratefulness.
But before you book that ticket and set your phone to “do not disturb,” it’s worth thinking more deeply about how to handle this situation with your family. Your actions now have the potential to improve your future interactions with them, or make matters far worse.
Continue Reading Article After Our Video
Recommended Fodor’s Video
The Trouble With Ghosting
You are well within your rights to spend Thanksgiving in a way that feels enjoyable to you (i.e., not outnumbered and piled upon by your family). The only part of your plan that gives me pause is the ghosting…
Anyone who has been ghosted by someone they care about knows what a gut punch it is. The ghostee is left confused about what happened, with no recourse to set things right. And yet, despite the pain it’s known to cause, ghosting is still such a tempting option–especially for those of us with avoidant tendencies.
“It sounds like you’re avoiding having a difficult conversation with family members due to fear about how they will respond,” says psychotherapist Stella Kimbrough, LCSW. “Avoiding difficult conversations in relationships can cause anger and resentment to build up over time, eventually leading to either a big fight or deciding to end the relationship altogether.”
Maybe your goal is to go one hundred percent no-contact with your family, in which case, ghosting sends the message loud and clear! But if, in an ideal world, you’re hoping to improve the family dynamics and build peaceful, meaningful relationships with them in the future, it’s time to put on your big girl pants and communicate.
Be Clear, Firm, and Calm
This probably won’t be easy, but advocating for yourself with a clear, firm “no thank you” to the Thanksgiving invite will actually strengthen your relationships in the long run, according to Kimbrough.
One way to say “no” effectively is what’s known as the Broken Record Technique. “When someone tries to push boundaries after you’ve already said ‘no,’ the best thing to do is repeat yourself and stay firmly grounded in your goal, no matter the push-back you receive,” she explains.
Say a family member tries to guilt-trip you, saying, “you never come see us anymore” or “but you ALWAYS come for Thanksgiving,” you can use the broken record technique by responding with “I hear that you’re disappointed, and I’m just not available this year,” or “I understand that you really want me to come for Thanksgiving, but I’m going to have to skip this year,” says Kimbrough. Regardless of how much the person freaks out, you maintain the boundary, repeating yourself calmly and politely like a broken record.
Additionally, Kimbrough says, “If your gut tells you that an open discussion could lead to meaningful changes, being clear about what you need–a no political conversations rule, for example–could potentially improve your relationship. You would also need to be willing to hear about any changes they need from you. It shouldn’t be a one-way street.”
Does this sound like fun? No. But advocating for yourself will boost your self-confidence and alleviate any icky feelings you might have about ghosting relatives on Thanksgiving. And with any luck, your family will learn to respect your word and your peace.
Now go enjoy that trip!
