49 Thoughts I Had While Watching Episode 1 of ‘All’s Fair’

I like Ryan Murphy at his most baroque and operatic (not for nothing did I watch all of Scream Queens!), which is what made me fairly sure that his starry new legal drama, All’s Fair, would be up by alley. So, does the series—starring Glenn Close, Teyana Taylor, Naomi Watts, Sarah Paulson, Niecy Nash, and Kim Kardashian—indeed fall into the “guilty-as-hell pleasure” category? Find every thought I had about it below.

1. Okay, I was expecting some sort of fabulous ramp-up or introductory cold open here, but it’s just…Kim Kardashian and Naomi Watts queening out about workplace sexism.
2. Like, I literally rewound to make sure I didn’t miss an establishing shot.
3. Kim’s delivery of the line “Um, senior managing partner?” is so nuts that I think I actually love it and maybe want it as my ringtone.
4. Hey, it’s Glenn Close! In a pussy bow!
5. Thinking about Leslie Knope trying to say “Glenn Close” while wasted on Parks and Recreation.
6. Okay, so Kim and Naomi are going to start a women’s boutique divorce law firm? With Glenn’s blessing?
7. NIECY! I’ve forgiven this show for its abrupt start already.
8. That said, I’m not sure about Niecy’s bangs situation.
9. Every time Sarah Paulson walks confidently and bitchily onto a Ryan Murphy set, a gay angel (gayngel?) gets its wings.
10. First instance of someone angrily smashing everything off a desk (but likely not the last!).
11. Golda Meir quote :/
12. I really don’t know what Sarah’s damage is, but I guess we have the whole show to learn!
13. I want this house.
14. My ex-boyfriend, who I still live with, walking past as I’m watching this show: “Is Kim just…reading lines?”
15. Kim’s a football wife! Love this play on her past with Reggie Bush.
16. If you’re going to say “Elizabeth Taylor” onscreen, I’m going to sing the entirety of “Elizabeth Taylor” by Taylor Swift, sorry.
17. Teyana Taylor time!
18. Okay, someone (Sarah) figured out hair straightening!
19. God, she’s really walking away with all the good lines, isn’t she?
20. “You fat, treacherous lawn chairs.” I’m confused, but I’m LOLing.
21. Kind of into these cutaways where we see micro-snippets of the clients’ lives.
22. Listen, I’m always happy to see Grace Gummer, regardless of the circumstances.
23. Love that this office seems to be pants-optional (for Teyana, anyway).
24. Did they rent out the shell of a former Wing office for their primary location???
25. Finally, some good food (lesbian content).
26. Judith Light??!?!!?
27. Oh, the studio really wrote Murphy a blank-ass casting check, didn’t they?
28. Love this winged-eyeliner moment for Judith.
29. I want a whole show about Judith schtupping the much-younger chef at Le Bernardin.
30. I’m confused by, but not entirely resistant to, Naomi’s trilby hat.
31. OMG, shoes!
32. Not to mention the jewels!
33. Should I marry a mean rich guy who doles out diamonds as apologies (if one will have me)?
34. KATE BERLANT HIVE, RISE UP!
35. I know I’m yelling a lot of women’s names, but that’s just the material I’ve been given to work with here, okay?
36. “Knowledge is the key in the lock.” So true, Kim.
37. I love when girls walk in synchronized slow motion.
38. Did this business meeting strictly have to happen in a sex dungeon?
39. Whoever was in charge of finding the most generically evil-looking white guys possible for this boardroom scene did a great job.
40. Kim’s flipped bob! I die!
41. This “sow teat” scene……….I die. In a bad way, this time.
42. Champagne time!
43. Divorce time! (For Kim and her tank-top-clad football man.)
44. Weak men really can’t handle strong women, can they?
45. I love the concept of Kim (the character!) being shocked at the notion that she habitually picks loser men.
46. All’s Fair must be getting some powerful sponsorship from the indoor-fireplace lobby.
47. OMG, Kim’s man is hooking up with Teyana?
48. And we got a Teyana ab reveal?
49. Well, that was…an episode of television.