Tis’ the season for family time and family drama. In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we explore the best way to ask your parents to fly you home for the holidays.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Dear Eugene, Every Christmas, my parents expect me and my husband to book the nearly $1,400 round-trip flight to visit them for the holidays. Every year, we ask them to visit us in our home city instead, and every year they turn us down, expecting us to come to them. Since my parents insist we come, we want them to pay for our travel (something they’ve never offered and have the financial means to cover), but they can be notoriously stingy with money. What is the best way to tackle this without causing a family rift?
The most festive time of the year is as stressful as it is joyful, isn’t it? You’re certainly not alone in experiencing the inevitable tension when tradition and expectation conflict with financial and emotional bandwidth. All families have unspoken rules like these, and they can be incredibly hard to renegotiate.
The tradition of you traveling to your parents’ home for Christmas is familiar and thus comfortable, but your reasons for wanting to disrupt the holiday season status quo are legitimate; $1,400 is a lot of money, even if they take care of all the hosting costs once you arrive.
Your parents already shot down the suggestions that you and your husband host for a change, and it sounds like resentment is bubbling–hardly a recipe for festive cheer. Rather than caving to their wishes and allowing your resentment to accrue interest for yet another year, it’s time to renegotiate the family rules and set a boundary with your parents.
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Set a Boundary – But How?
I realize “boundaries” is a therapy term that’s overused and misunderstood these days, so let’s start by clarifying what it actually means. A boundary is the unspoken structure that organizes the roles, hierarchies, and expectations within a relationship, so setting a new boundary means initiating a change to the relational dynamic.
Shifting your family’s usual way of interacting might be met with resistance–from your parents’ perspective, “this is the way we’ve always done things, so why change now?”–but getting your needs met is worth a little push back, isn’t it?
Niloufar Esmaeilpour, registered clinical counselor and founder at Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre, in British Columbia, suggests wording your boundary carefully: “Rather than saying ‘we would be so happy if you’d come to see us instead,’ which gives them the power to refuse, you can discuss the situation in terms of your limits. For instance, ‘We enjoy getting together at Christmas, but the expense of flying every year is just not something we can do any longer. You can come to us, or if it is very important for you that we come to you, we will need some assistance with the airfare.’”
Know That You’re Not Responsible For a Rift
Will this cause a rift with your parents? My guess is that expressing yourself clearly will help them see your perspective, and they may be more flexible than you anticipate. However, be prepared to stand your ground, firm in the knowledge that what you’re asking for is perfectly fair and reasonable.
“Even if they refuse, you are not responsible for creating a rift; rather, your boundary has been made more apparent,” says Esmaeilpour. “A real rift is usually found where people have not given voice to their needs for a long time, and this eventually leads to a breaking point. The best way to maintain the relationship while taking care of your well-being at the same time is to tackle the issue calmly, early, and clearly.”
Find the Middle Ground
In addition to setting your boundary, ask your parents to join you and your husband in finding a solution that works for all of you. This will help them feel like active participants, which might make them more open to alternatives. Here are a few suggestions to throw out there:
– You alternate hosting/travel years, so no couple consistently shoulders the financial burden of flights.
– You agree that travel costs are split evenly between you each year.
– You opt to literally meet halfway, ideally driving to a destination between your locations to enjoy Christmas on neutral ground while keeping costs down.
– You avoid the festive fare hikes and hold your annual family celebration at a different, more affordable time of year
However, it turns out, communicating rather than bottling your feelings is always a good idea. Wishing you and your whole family a stress-free, calm, and connected Christmas!
