Late-night hosts tore into Donald Trump’s new “gold card” immigration program and his many weird tangents about grocery prices.
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert opened Thursday’s Late Show with a new Christmas jingle about the president: “He’s making a list, checking it twice, then handing that list to the people at ICE. Donald Trump … ruins everything he touches,” he sang. “And lately he’s been pretty handsy, slapping his face on anything in sight.”
On Wednesday, Trump put his face on what Colbert called “his long-promised pay-to-play program for rich foreigners”. Under the program, foreign individuals can buy a US “golden visa” for $1m, or a “platinum” version for $5m. An official government webpage promises US residency “in record time” with the new “Trump Gold Card” – once applicants have paid a $15,000 processing fee, passed a background check and of course paid the $1m fee.
“A quick message here to rich immigrants: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?” joked Colbert.
He continued: “Besides the obvious virtue of letting rich people get things before mere humans, this card is supposed to squeeze cash out of businesses who want to hire skilled foreign workers.” To do that, businesses would have to pay $2m, plus a 1% annual maintenance fee of $20,000 and a 5% transfer fee. “That’s a lot of fees, but if you sign up for the Trump Gold Card, you also get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it’s the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy,” Colbert quipped. “But don’t worry, all gold card members will be screened.”
Or, as commerce secretary Howard Lutnick put it, “the best vetting the government has ever done, $15,000 vetting to make sure these people absolutely qualify to be in America”.
“That’s important, you gotta prove you’re qualified to be an American,” Colbert deadpanned. “Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?”
Jimmy Kimmel
On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host roasted the new “golden visa” program as the “Get Into America Express Card.”
“This is a card that will allow wealthy foreigners to live here,” he explained. “For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choosing.”
“It might be time to update that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor and tired. Give us a million bucks, you’re in!” he added.
“You would think a transaction like this would involve a good deal of paperwork, right? Nope.” The application is one page long. “You have to give more information to rent a Toyota Camry, than to [get the card]. It’s harder to start a Wordle account.”
Trump “thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo or a steak or Eric when he was a baby”, he lamented.
Kimmel also mocked the purveyor of the golden visa program, Lutnick, who said the vetting process and scheme exists “so you know these are the best people are coming in”.
“That’s right, the best people are the rich people,” Kimmel joked. “It’s what Jesus always said! It’s in the Bible. He says it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars.
“And I say, it’s about time our immigration system ran like the rewards program at one of Trump’s bankrupted casinos.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers delved into Trump’s plunging approval ratings as voters lose patience with the economy. “Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy and they were hoping he would fix it, despite the fact that last time he was in office, he broke it,” he explained. “It’s like going back to a doctor even though on your previous visit, they left a sponge in your brain.
“The reason voters gave Trump another shot is because he made it clear he wouldn’t just bring prices down, he would do it ASAP.” But instead of tackling the issue on day one, as promised, Trump has begun trying to discredit the term “affordability”. And this week, as part of his efforts to reassure voters, he appeared at the White House press conference before a spread of grocery items, and reacted strangely to the cereal.
“What a nice job, I think I’m going to take some of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun,” Trump said to the various boxes of cereal. “Like the Cheerios, I haven’t seen Cheerios in a long time. I’m going to take them back with me.”
“He is so fucking weird,” said Meyers. “Like what do you mean, you’re going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios? ‘I don’t want to get too specific, let’s just say the holes are a perfect size.’”
Meyers then played clips of Fox News anchors calling criticism of Trump’s handling of the economy in this first year unfair.
“You heard ‘em, coal miners in West Virginia. If you’re mad that you can’t afford food, you’re actually being very unfair to the celebrity billionaire president who has a dedicated breakfast cottage,” Meyers laughed. “Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like Fifa did.”
